Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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