yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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