yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
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I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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