I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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