So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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