I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ugly people sure do ruin things
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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