i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
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Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize