I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
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Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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