oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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