Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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