Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You did what with his pubic hair?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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