Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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