Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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