Your face is a jimmy john
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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