I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My bed smells like the plague
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