dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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