You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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