I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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