I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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