I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
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IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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