I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
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i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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