so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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