Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
