Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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