At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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