apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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