Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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