based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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