Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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