So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
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I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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