I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All the doctor said was why
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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