Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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