i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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