??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
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i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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