That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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