Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
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We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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