i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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