Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
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Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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