I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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