My first STD was from a foam party
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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