was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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