Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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