Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
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I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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