when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She's just so happy...and so naked.
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Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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