My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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