I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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