TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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