This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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