I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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