I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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